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Augusta Ponders New Name for Away People

By Dazzle

A proposal is under foot in Augusta to put an end to the use of the terms “away people” and “people from away” to describe people who vacation in Maine, but do not live her year-round. 

They claim those terms have a negative connotation and are offensive to the summer folk. Instead, it’s been suggested that they be referred to as “summer residents” which they have deemed to be more polite. Other suggestions that they be referred to as flat landers, pains in the asses, the beautiful people and the entitled people were quickly vetoed.

Lawmakers stated that it is their goal to make Maine a more welcoming state, citing a recent study that found Maine to be one of the four most unfriendly states in the country.  Ya think?

Summer folks have long been complaining about not feeling welcomed in the Pine Tree State and they claim that the term away people makes them feel maligned and even more alienated. Poor babies. Perhaps lawmakers should mandate safe spaces in all public places throughout the state where the offended away people can go to feel coddled and comforted.

In the meantime, while Augusta caves to political correctness, Mainers will undoubtedly always know an away person when they see them and will label them accordingly. And it’s unlikely that anything they do in Augusta will change that. So, put on your big boy pants, away people, and buck up because Mainers cling to the belief that if it ain’t broke, why fix it.

Peninsula Restaurants Open

by Cat Crap

Marianne Monkeybutt

If this summer proves to be anything like the last, a certain local restaurant promises a good time for all.The trendy, waterfront bar and restaurant which opened a few summers ago has quickly become a favorite watering hole for locals and away people looking for a taste of  Downeast, not to mention an eyeful of homegrown bikini-clad beauties.

By day the open air bar and umbrella covered tables are filled with gray-haired boating geezers decked out  in pink shirts and loafers. At night the place transforms into a happening see and be seen spot for the hard  hard partying younger set.

While the food is only slightly better than average, and the prices a little too high, the free-flowing booze, party girls and all night festivities keep                                               the crowds coming.

Melissa Melons                         

 Adding to the allure of the place is the oh so friendly hostess, Mia Melons, who will find you the perfect table for two while Candy Can, donning a barely there bikini, will cheerfully take drink orders. Marianne Monkeybutt is a regular who can often be seen doing a some late night  booty shaking for the price of a Tequila shooter.
Ahhh, welcome summer.

Recommended Reading About Island Life in Maine

by Poot

Little printed matter, other than my trusty stash of comic books and the ads on the back of cereal boxes, catches my attention, so if I'm going to read a book, it had better be read-worthy.

Off the top of my head, I'm recommending the following two very read-worthy books about life on a Maine island:

 We Were an Island is a beautifully written book about a young husband and wife who purchase a small island off the coast of Maine. Determined to live a solitary life on the island, and armed with nothing more than a small Dory, strong backs and the will to survive, they harvest their own wood and build a log home by hand, enduring a harsh first winter.

The couple tells their story about living a life detached from everything, in their cozy cabin in the pines surrounded by the sea. It's a life without amenities. No central heat or electricity, telephone or TV, They make only occasional trips to the mainland for food, and they manage to live this life well into their eighties when the husband dies. While the wife was determined to live out her days on her beloved island, enduring the difficult winters alone proved undoable for her and she eventually had to relocate to the mainland.






Well Out To Sea is another captivating book about what it's like to live on Matinicus, Maine's most remote island, located some 20 plus miles off the coast. The tiny speck of an island has long had the reputation of being a rough and tumble place inhabited by a handful of hardy Mainers who call the remote rock home.

The author, Eva Murrary, a long-time island dweller is an excellent writer and has put together some very interesting and entertaining insight about island life. Highly recommended reading.

Fish Tales . . Uh, We Mean Moose Tales

by Poot

Attention all moose. Hunting season is upon us. Put your damn cell phones away and run like hell.

Three Types of People in Maine

Maine Music from Matinicus Island

Haul 'Em Up

From the dock on Matinicus Island.

What's This We Hear About Scary Clowns on the Peninsula?

by Juicy
Hold onto your hats, folks. Rumor has it there have been several incidences of "scary looking clowns" peering in homeowners' windows on Deer Isle. Yep, you read that right. Scary clowns. On Deer Isle.

This freaky trend has been documented in several states elsewhere in the country, but here in Maine? And on Deer Isle? Who'da thought?

Chowdah has not yet been able to document these scary sightings, which reportedly occur mostly at night, but rest assured, our industrious staff is working on it. Well, we will be working on it as soon as we can drag Fat Boy, our know-nothing reporter at large, (and he is large) away from Subway. But knowing Fat Boy, we might have to leave a trail of Subway sandwiches and Dunkin Donuts from Blue Hill to the island to help motivate him.

Stay tuned and follow Chowdah for all your updates.

Group Protest Killing of Lobsters

                       
by Fat Boy
A group calling themselves "Friends of the Lobsters" protested the "cruel and inhumane treatment" of lobsters by holding a protest on the bridge in Blue Hill Sunday.

The group, consisting of about 24 long-haired mostly elderly, unwashed residents from various area communities lined up along the bridge carrying placards and beating on drums. They shouted at passing cars, and handed out fliers to passersby claiming the trapping and killing of lobsters is inhumane.



Group spokesman, Jethro Fleabeard (top left) and his partner Evening Moonbeam, said the organization, which is supported by People for the Ethical Treatment of Amphibians (PETA), is insisting that lobsters be "humanely euthanized" prior to cooking. When asked to describe humane euthanasia, Fleabeard suggested allowing the lobsters to wade in a shallow pool of wine or vodka by candlelight while listening to music by the Moody Blues.

"The cooking should proceed only when the lobsters are sufficiently drunk, have passed out and are unlikely to feel the pain of being plunged into boiling water," Fleabeard said. He was unable to describe how a lobster would be deemed "sufficiently drunk." He was also unaware that lobsters are not amphibians. The Hancok Sheriff's Department later issued Fleabeard and his gal pal a citation for unlawfully camping under the Blue Hill bridge.

Revamped Teacher Hiring Shows Promise in Deer Isle

  by Bottom Feeder

A revamped system for hiring new teachers in Deer Isle has already shown promise with high school attendance soaring to 100%, according to the Hancock County Board of Education.

Deer Isle schools recently placed at the bottom of the list in the state for quality of education, standardized testing scores, and low attendance and graduation rates. But we believe those morbid stats were probably the result of a clerical error or more likely, some hideous political candidate trying to malign island dwellers.

A concerned group of citizens known as ASS, blamed the woeful statistics on ugly, old teachers who were unable to capture the students' attention.  The group submitted a proposal to the school board outlining recommendations for the firing of the old teachers, and the hiring of new ones.

The new guidelines require teachers to be female, under the age of 35, have Playboy bunny-like measurements, and to conduct classes totally topless. "And micro-mini skirts without underwear wouldn't hurt either,"an ASS spokesperson said.

The board unanimously accepted the revamped guidelines for new teacher hires which went into effect last January. Not only did attendance by high schoolers increase immediately, the island school now has a waiting list of students wanting to transfer from other towns. Go ASS!

Not Sure What Your Doctor Is Talk'in About?  

We Can Help.               

 by  Beaver
Prompted by complaints from numerous peninsula residents that they had no freak'in idea what their doctors were talking about during medical appointments, the Chowdah staff felt compelled to come to the rescue.

Although more than a few of our readers criticize the Chowdah staff for being a bunch of lazy, boozing baffoons, we beg to differ. Thanks to our occasionally conscious reporters, and after a great deal of in-depth research, we are proud to publish this list of important medical definitions to help interpret your doctor's medical terminology. Now you know. You're welcome.

Meet the CHOWDAH Staff

Meet the Chowdah Staff

By Juicy

Since it's winter and there is little else to do, and we're bored to death, we would like to take this opportunity to introduce you to our exceedingly eccentric, do nothing staff who can usually be found pretending to be out sick, binge watching Orange is the New Black, or working on their second six pack in the Rite Aid parking lot. Watch for their bylines on the rare occasion that they awaken from their drunken stupors and actually write something.

Dazzle:  Chief  Delegator and the Mother of all Ridiculousness

Bubble:  Dazzle's Bumbling, Dumber than Shit Assistant 

Fat Boy:   Reporter - Hard to Believe Breaking News











                                         

Bottom Feeder:  
Reporter, Useless Crap and Internet Security 







Juicy:  Reporter, Local Gossip

                                              

Poot:
Farts & Entertainment
 
                                     




  
 Cat Crap:  Food Editor





Beaver:  Reporter, Fish Tales, Sports & Weather (or not)

 CHOWDAH is an equal opportunity employer (obviously).

We're always looking for new talent.

Feel free to contact us if you have that special gift for sarcasm, can't write, are out on parole, heavily medicated, occasionally sober, and are interested in joining our 
esteemed editorial staff.

No experience necessary. The less, the better.

Flexible Hours.

 We do not pay well.

In fact, we do not pay at all.

Dazzle's Back

And It's About Time
By Fat Boy

Meditating with Semi-celibate monks?

Wandering with Nomads?

As you may have noticed, Dazzle has been on hiatus for a while. Like a four year hiatus. Rumor has it she may have been visiting exotic locations in foreign countries or traveling across the desert with a bunch of know-nothing Nomads. Or maybe she was meditating on a mountain top with a group of semi-celibate monks. Maybe not. One can never believe much of what Dazzle says.

The good news for all you tongue-in-check, four letter word, nonsense loving followers (all four of you) is that she's finally back. And she and her incompetent bunch of reporters and writers are ready to entertain you with their useless and stilted reporting on things of little importance. Be sure to follow Chowdah because Dazzle can be a temperamental bitch. If she doesn't get enough followers she might disappear again, leaving her editorial staff jobless - again. And hey, we gotta feed our kids and buy booze. So get with the program.

How to be sure you get all the good stuff. Join the site or follow by e-mail by hitting the appropriate button on the upper right side. If that doesn't work, just keep hitting buttons. Sooner or later you're bound to get it right. Got it? Good.

Word of the Day - Oxymoron

A large hairy mammal

We Want to Hear From You

Just letting you know that CHOWDAH is always interested in hearing from readers.  We invite your comments, suggestions, news, gossip, photos and just about any information you'd like to send us. Nothing is too trivial for us. Maybe we'll post it on our blog. Maybe we won't.

 Send all your stuff to: 

            dazzlexr@gmail.com

Or just leave a note right here. We might actually respond.

Best Burger in Town - Marlintini's

By Poot

Let's talk burgers.  Big, juicy, delicious perfectly cooked burgers preferably dripping in cheese and loaded with lots of other good stuff.  Where to find it?
 .

It's a well known fact that you're not gonna find really good food in this part of Maine.  Okay, now that we've gotten that off our chest, we're going to tell you where to find the best burger in these parts. CHOWDAH gives the award for the best burger in town to Marlintini's Grill in Blue Hill. Of course there isn't a lot of competition in this area . . . so Marlintini's is pretty much a slam dunk.

No matter how you order it, rare, medium or well done, your burger always arrives cooked to perfection.Summer or winter, the quality is always consistent.  And this is no skinny little hamburger patty.  It's a big, fat, juicy, quality beef burger that tastes great.  Yum.  We like ours rare with extra cheese, and the the cook always gets it right.

The only (minor) complaint we have is about the bun.  We are convinced there is not a good bun or piece of bread to be found anywhere in downeast Maine. If Marlintini's could just get their hands on some big crusty kaiser rolls, these burgers would be right over the moon.

Marlintini's Grill & Restaurant
20 Main Street (Route 15)

Blue Hill, Maine
(207) 374-2500

Global Warming Blamed for Crocodile Attack in South Blue Hill

by Fat Boy

Two lobstermen came to the aid of a man whose small motor boat was being attacked by a large "sea creature" in Blue Hill Bay Monday.

The lobsterman, who were hauling traps in south Blue Hill, said they noticed a man in a motorboat shouting obscenities and poking at something in the water with his boat hook.  As they approached his boat, they were astonished to see a large crocodile jumping out of the water chomping at the stern of the small boat.

According to the lobstermen, the boater appeared to be taunting the crocodile when it suddenly lunged at the boat knocking the man into the frigid water.  The lobstermen quickly fished the guy out of the water, and reported the crocodile incident to the harbor master and coast guard.

After circling the lobstermen's boat for a few minutes, the croc swam off in the direction of the Kollegewidgwok Yacht Club.

The "sea creature" has been identified as an American crocodile which usually inhabits the warm waters off the coast of southern Florida. This is the first time a crocodile has been spotted in the cold Maine waters.

According to Al Gore, spokesman for the group, I Invented the Internet, the warmer waters caused by global warming are attracting marine species not indigenous to this area.  This situation is similar to the shark attack which occurred here last summer when a group of tourists wading in the water near the Falls Bridge in Blue Hill were devoured by a school of great white sharks. Come to think of it, Gore might be on to something.

The boater, an undocumented alien from Honduras, was arrested and taken to the Ellsworth jail where he was charged with the reckless endangerment of a marine creature. Charges were dropped and he was released after a group of locals calling themselves Open Borders For All, posted bail and  helped the man obtain a Maine driver's license, free housing, a Mainecare card, food stamps and $500 spending money. The group is in the process of collecting money to bring all 47 members of the man's family to Maine.

The crocodile has not been captured, but was recently seen sunning itself on the beach at the Kollegewidgwok Yacht Club awaiting the arrival of the beautiful summer people. Go croc! 

Fish Tales

By Beaver

Read the Sign, Stupid

by Bottom Feeder

Brooksville resident I. Cantread was bitten in the ass and genitals by a German Shepherd dog when he disregarded a private property sign posted on his neighbor Bob Booblover's land.

Cantread was taken to Blue Hill Hospital where Dr. Anna Asstich performed emergency surgery. The Eastern Maine Search & Rescue and its team of scent hounds are currently combing Booblover's property in an attempt to locate Cantread's testicles.  According to Dr. Asstich, the delicate testicle reattachment surgery must be done within the next 48 hours.  If it is not done within this period of time Cantread is "shit out of luck," Dr. Asstich said.

The sign warning  trespassers to keep out "unless you have really big boobs" was posted on a tree at the entrance to property owner Booblover's driveway.

Thinking the sign was a joke, Cantread walked down the driveway towards his friend's house when Meat, the homeowner's dog, ran towards him. Unable to outrun the dog, Cantread attempted to climb a nearby tree, but not before the dog sank its teeth into the man's fat ass. The moral of the story: keep out unless you have really big boobs.