Fish Tales . . Uh, We Mean Moose Tales

by Poot

Attention all moose. Hunting season is upon us. Put your damn cell phones away and run like hell.

Three Types of People in Maine

Maine Music from Matinicus Island

Haul 'Em Up

From the dock on Matinicus Island.

What's This We Hear About Scary Clowns on the Peninsula?

by Juicy
Hold onto your hats, folks. Rumor has it there have been several incidences of "scary looking clowns" peering in homeowners' windows on Deer Isle. Yep, you read that right. Scary clowns. On Deer Isle.

This freaky trend has been documented in several states elsewhere in the country, but here in Maine? And on Deer Isle? Who'da thought?

Chowdah has not yet been able to document these scary sightings, which reportedly occur mostly at night, but rest assured, our industrious staff is working on it. Well, we will be working on it as soon as we can drag Fat Boy, our know-nothing reporter at large, (and he is large) away from Subway. But knowing Fat Boy, we might have to leave a trail of Subway sandwiches and Dunkin Donuts from Blue Hill to the island to help motivate him.

Stay tuned and follow Chowdah for all your updates.

Group Protest Killing of Lobsters

                       
by Fat Boy
A group calling themselves "Friends of the Lobsters" protested the "cruel and inhumane treatment" of lobsters by holding a protest on the bridge in Blue Hill Sunday.

The group, consisting of about 24 long-haired mostly elderly, unwashed residents from various area communities lined up along the bridge carrying placards and beating on drums. They shouted at passing cars, and handed out fliers to passersby claiming the trapping and killing of lobsters is inhumane.



Group spokesman, Jethro Fleabeard (top left) and his partner Evening Moonbeam, said the organization, which is supported by People for the Ethical Treatment of Amphibians (PETA), is insisting that lobsters be "humanely euthanized" prior to cooking. When asked to describe humane euthanasia, Fleabeard suggested allowing the lobsters to wade in a shallow pool of wine or vodka by candlelight while listening to music by the Moody Blues.

"The cooking should proceed only when the lobsters are sufficiently drunk, have passed out and are unlikely to feel the pain of being plunged into boiling water," Fleabeard said. He was unable to describe how a lobster would be deemed "sufficiently drunk." He was also unaware that lobsters are not amphibians. The Hancok Sheriff's Department later issued Fleabeard and his gal pal a citation for unlawfully camping under the Blue Hill bridge.

Revamped Teacher Hiring Shows Promise in Deer Isle

  by Bottom Feeder

A revamped system for hiring new teachers in Deer Isle has already shown promise with high school attendance soaring to 100%, according to the Hancock County Board of Education.

Deer Isle schools recently placed at the bottom of the list in the state for quality of education, standardized testing scores, and low attendance and graduation rates. But we believe those morbid stats were probably the result of a clerical error or more likely, some hideous political candidate trying to malign island dwellers.

A concerned group of citizens known as ASS, blamed the woeful statistics on ugly, old teachers who were unable to capture the students' attention.  The group submitted a proposal to the school board outlining recommendations for the firing of the old teachers, and the hiring of new ones.

The new guidelines require teachers to be female, under the age of 35, have Playboy bunny-like measurements, and to conduct classes totally topless. "And micro-mini skirts without underwear wouldn't hurt either,"an ASS spokesperson said.

The board unanimously accepted the revamped guidelines for new teacher hires which went into effect last January. Not only did attendance by high schoolers increase immediately, the island school now has a waiting list of students wanting to transfer from other towns. Go ASS!

Not Sure What Your Doctor Is Talk'in About?  

We Can Help.               

 by  Beaver
Prompted by complaints from numerous peninsula residents that they had no freak'in idea what their doctors were talking about during medical appointments, the Chowdah staff felt compelled to come to the rescue.

Although more than a few of our readers criticize the Chowdah staff for being a bunch of lazy, boozing baffoons, we beg to differ. Thanks to our occasionally conscious reporters, and after a great deal of in-depth research, we are proud to publish this list of important medical definitions to help interpret your doctor's medical terminology. Now you know. You're welcome.

Meet the CHOWDAH Staff

Meet the Chowdah Staff

By Juicy

Since it's winter and there is little else to do, and we're bored to death, we would like to take this opportunity to introduce you to our exceedingly eccentric, do nothing staff who can usually be found pretending to be out sick, binge watching Orange is the New Black, or working on their second six pack in the Rite Aid parking lot. Watch for their bylines on the rare occasion that they awaken from their drunken stupors and actually write something.

Dazzle:  Chief  Delegator and the Mother of all Ridiculousness

Bubble:  Dazzle's Bumbling, Dumber than Shit Assistant 

Fat Boy:   Reporter - Hard to Believe Breaking News











                                         

Bottom Feeder:  
Reporter, Useless Crap and Internet Security 







Juicy:  Reporter, Local Gossip

                                              

Poot:
Farts & Entertainment
 
                                     




  
 Cat Crap:  Food Editor





Beaver:  Reporter, Fish Tales, Sports & Weather (or not)

 CHOWDAH is an equal opportunity employer (obviously).

We're always looking for new talent.

Feel free to contact us if you have that special gift for sarcasm, can't write, are out on parole, heavily medicated, occasionally sober, and are interested in joining our 
esteemed editorial staff.

No experience necessary. The less, the better.

Flexible Hours.

 We do not pay well.

In fact, we do not pay at all.