Revamped Teacher Hiring Shows Promise in Deer Isle

  by Bottom Feeder

A revamped system for hiring new teachers in Deer Isle has already shown promise with high school attendance soaring to 100%, according to the Hancock County Board of Education.

Deer Isle schools recently placed at the bottom of the list in the state for quality of education, standardized testing scores, and low attendance and graduation rates. But we believe those morbid stats were probably the result of a clerical error or more likely, some hideous political candidate trying to malign island dwellers.

A concerned group of citizens known as ASS, blamed the woeful statistics on ugly, old teachers who were unable to capture the students' attention.  The group submitted a proposal to the school board outlining recommendations for the firing of the old teachers, and the hiring of new ones.

The new guidelines require teachers to be female, under the age of 35, have Playboy bunny-like measurements, and to conduct classes totally topless. "And micro-mini skirts without underwear wouldn't hurt either,"an ASS spokesperson said.

The board unanimously accepted the revamped guidelines for new teacher hires which went into effect last January. Not only did attendance by high schoolers increase immediately, the island school now has a waiting list of students wanting to transfer from other towns. Go ASS!